I wish I really knew him….

Yes I am still among the living! I am telling you I thought life was busy with all the kids in our house, but now I have yet another non-monetary paying job. I never knew what WORK it was going to be, being a pastor’s wife. I was so very nervous about this position God has so graciously placed me but let me tell you it is work. Just keeping Richard organized is enough. I laugh and say that every pastor I have met over the last 10 months has a good and efficient woman behind him whether that be his wife or a secretary. So now taking up my time are the non-paying but graciously satisfying jobs of wife, maid, mother,cook, maid, secretary, gopher, maid, writer, teacher, maid, painter, carpenter, maid, gardener, nurse, maid, accountant, plumber, and did I mention maid? LOL

I could go on and on and on about this subject but I wanted to tell you about a funeral I attended today. I sang there, in celebration of Ellen Delois Buswell’s life. I have never seen her before today, however I learned she was my mother’s 4-H leader when she was a child. Richard officiated the ceremony, and he kept a constant theme throughout the service as to what a wonderful teacher and woman she was.

I want to tell you about a man that I remember. My dad.
I can still picture my dad bouncing me on his knee, cheering me on at my dance recitals, teaching me how ride my bike, helping me reel in my first fish and telling me stories about his early days of working on the Burlington Northern Railroad. I can still hear him saying the words, “Sis, I love you.” I can imagine him russeling my hair as I sat on his lap, playing barbies with me on the living room floor and sharing a hot dog with me at on of his many ball games I watched.

I can still see him puffing up his chest when he talked about me to his friends. He was proud to be my dad. He would do anything for me. I was his daughter; he was my dad. I was his pride and joy.

I can still see all of this and much more, but I don’t see it in the reservoir of fond memories. Instead, I recall it from an imagination and yearning that wished then and wishes now that it were so. My dad left home when I was fourteen. I never really knew him. He was a very distant man from his family and rarely spent time at home with us kids and my mother.

I’m 43 years old. My dad died almost 3 years ago and I still miss him (even though that’s hard to admit). I even cry sometimes when I’m honest with myself about how I feel.

You see, I hadn’t talked to my father but once in about 8 years, and before that it was only at funerals or by happenstance. I don’t miss my father the way I did know him, I miss him in the way I wish I knew him. I wish I could tell you what a wonderful father he was and how much I knew he loved me but I really don’t know if he did or not. If he did he never told me. In 40 years of my life I do not recall one time my dad saying, “I Love You”.

Now that I am a foster parent, I see what an effect that has on small children’s lives and what an impact it will have on their lives forever. If you are a parent and you are reading this…please tell your children EVERYDAY how much they mean to you and how much you love them. And children tell you parents how much you love them. Even when they seem the most uncaring creatures in the world, they make decisions based on what they think is best for you and you will thank them for it when you are grown.  I wish I had the opportunity to have that conversation with my father.  I told him I loved him every time I saw him but because of his choice of not seeing me for several years I sometimes wonder if he knew I loved him.

Children deserve a father and a mother to help nurture them and teach them the ways of the Lord. It is our God given right and responsibility. In fact it is a commandment from God to teach them the way they should go and they will not depart from it.

Don’t ever let a day go buy without telling your children that you love them. The rest of their life may depend on it.


2 thoughts on “I wish I really knew him….

  1. You are alive…I’ve been wondering if you were still around!! I’m graduating 2 weeks from tomorrow!! I’ve missed reading your blog…I kept checking back everyday in hopes of some new info or insight to life.

  2. Today is April 4th and I just spent some time at my blog and wrote a short post about my mom. Please stop by and read it. Now almost 30 minutes later(after my post) I come by your blog and read the story about your dad.

    On March 31st I received a phone call from my brother. He was telling me my dad was not doing well and has cancer. My dad has not spoke to me in 8 years. There is a long story there and I won’t bore you with the details here in your comment section.

    My point is: God wanted me to find your blog tonight and read your post about your dad. I am thankful that I did. It will help guide me in my prayers so that I can be more specific.

    Blessings to you.

    Take care,

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