102/365 days of blogging.
Job 37:16 “Do you know how the clouds are balanced, Those wondrous works of Him who is perfect in knowledge?”
By the time Micah was settled in her room and the doctors called me into the little room to tell me she had cancer, she had already stopped breathing 4 times that day alone. The 3 doctors and 4 nurses delivered the news as I sat alone in a room, all alone, wondering where my support was. Where was God while they were telling me my daughter was most likely going to die. I laughed at the doctors and told them that “Old people die from cancer, babies don’t have cancer.”
By the time reality sunk in, I had begun to pray. I began to ask God where are you? I prayed for this child, you answered my prayer, and now she has cancer? Now she is going to die?
Through the very rough chemotherapy treatments, over the next few months were very difficult, Mich lived life to the fullest. She smiled and laughed a lot. She was so perceptive of when others were in the room. Especially her favorite nurses, and of course her mommy! After we went home we tried to live life as normal as we could. To her life was normal. A life of tubes, oxygen, feeding tubes, and iv’s was her “normal.” We went shopping, took walks, went to church, and arranged play dates with other children who were cancer stricken. I refused to sit back and let her life be resolved to a life of living at home in seclusion for fear of her getting sick from low blood counts.
Even though cancer finally claimed her life at the age of 5 (you can read the beginning of the story here ) she gave all the strength and energy she had into living a life pleasing to the Lord. She did that so much better than I ever could. She believed that, any way she chose to look at the fact that she was going to die, and she knew she was, one fact was indisputable fact remained. Jesus was her Lord and Savior, and she told anyone who would listen. She knew her life was in God’s hands. about a month before she died, she asked Jesus into her tiny heart and was baptized. She knew what was important in life and she knew she was supposed to share it with everyone who crossed her path.
Job surveyed his losses, his lecturing “friends,” his inability to understand, and he despaired of life. In the end, he found a relationship with God and he was sustained. He had to learn to trust God with each day of his life.
Micah already knew how to do that. She was even trying to teach her own mother how to do that. Where was God in all of that? He was right beside Micah holding her hand telling her “one day my child, you will be with me in Paradise.” Even though I chose to run from God after her death, for 10 years, I see now that God was with me everyday that I was asking where He was. He was right beside me, holding me up helping me make decisions, and showing me the way through the eyes of a little 5-year-old girl.
When you fear that the bottom is dropping our of your life, don’t resist. Change is hard, and suffering is not fun. Remember God holds our future, and we should learn, like Job, to trust Him each and every day that we live. He will hold you in the palm of His hand, and be assured that you are very near in our times of distress.
I believe that I have an angel in Heaven watching over me sitting on a shore somewhere beside Jesus laughing and listening to His stories. I also believe that it is only by His grace and mercy that I will again someday see my daughter on those same shores.
Please be with me Lord. Help me show others the light inside me that shines for you.