116/365 days of blogging.
Yesterday, at 6:34 PM, 24 years ago, I gave birth to an angel. Her name was Micah. When she was born she was truly an angel. Everything about her was angelic. I felt like she walked right out of the pages of the Bible and stepped down from Heaven and became mine for a short period of time. That short period of time lasted only 5 years. In 1993, on September 14th, she stepped back into Heaven.
You see for those of you who don’t know, she was born with cancer, a tumor in her nasal passages and connected to her soft palate. You can read a five-part story about her life beginning here.
So last week, for the first time in several years…I was having a hard time dealing with her birthday coming up. I cried every time I thought of her and everything made me think of her.
Sunday night at church we had a fifth Sunday sing. Every month that there is a 5th Sunday, we have a gospel sing. Members of the church can sing and others from other congregations come in to spread the gospel through song and well….we just plain have fun.
I sang a song that night called “When we ask why.” Here are the words.
When your world falls to pieces, and you just don’t understand
While you know He’s out there somewhere, you can’t feel His hand.
When all alone, no ones there, and you just have to cry,
God isn’t angry, He understands, when we ask why.
When we ask why, God looks deep into the heart
And He sees beyond the anguish, that tears us apart.
And with grace sufficient, He reaches down from the sky
To gently handle with care, a broken heart asking why.
At some point through that song, I realized something. I haven’t had any of these feelings in several years, and yet here I was letting satan have his way with me. For a week I was fighting feelings of being without her and how I
needed wanted to hold her, to see her, to talk to her. At the exact moment of singing that song about how God’s grace was sufficient for me to heal my broken heart, I realized that what I was asking was to have her back. WHY? Why would I want her back here on earth. She is enjoying the company of God Almighty. She is praising and worshiping Him. Why would I want to take her away from that? How selfish is that?
I have done many things in my life that I never thought I would have to or could do. Certainly burying a child falls into that category. But Jesus Himself said “Most assuredly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do he will do also; and greater works than these he will do,” John 14:12 I don’t know how it works and all…but when we face things we think we could never do…God just gives us the strength to carry on. I can’t begin to tell you how many people tell me when they learn I have lost a child say to me “I could never get through that.” I always tell them “You would be surprised what you can do with God’s help.”
When God allows us to go through trials it is to strengthen us. Now to you and I it may seem that some trials we are “allowed” to go through are extreme. I certainly felt that for several years after her death. But the reality is that God knows exactly what we need to turn our faces towards Him. For me…it was the death of my daughter. As a result, I have made a commitment to spend my life telling others about Jesus. About how His saving grace can give us a life of eternity with Him.
He gave up His son to save me from an eternity in hell. What in His creation would make me not want to do everything in my power to live a life for Him and to tell others about Him. I just don’t understand how trials in my life should change that. When we make decisions based on situations in our lives…it is like letting the circumstances of our lives dictate our faith. I have vowed to my Savior to never let my faith waver again. He is my Rock. I owe Him everything.
You may not realize it…but you do to. You just don’t know it yet.