My Mother

I can’t believe it has been a year already. I wrote this letter to you 4 days before you died and had intended on giving it to you when we brought you home with us that Friday. I wanted to read it at your memorial, however I didn’t have the courage. But I wanted the world to know what you mean(t) to me.

Mom, I’ve been thinking a lot about you today. Can’t seem to think about anything else. I love you so much I wante to make suer you know that. I am the strong woman I am today because of everything you taught me growin gup. I joke and tell people that I only learned 3 things from you… Not to lie, not to backtalk, and to stay out of your purse. That is so not true. I learned so much more from you. I learned how to be a mother from you and I think I am a pretty good one. I think my children turned out pretty good! Briana and Kelsey are very different but both living the best life they can. I did my best with both of them and I have always felt my best was never good enough. But I have lear ned over the last year that I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. Sometimes I knew . better than other times, but it was always my best. I gave my chidlren everything and every part of my life. I learned how to do that from you.

You were an incredible mother to me and my brothers. You, so many times during our growing up, you had to be mother and father to us because, well dad wasn’t. So I wanted to tell y9ou about a few things I learned:

You taught me to be generous with others. Anyone who knows you knows you are one of the most generous people in the world. You have always been happy to lend a hand or help someone out if you can. You always have a hard time saying no and sometimes it has gotten you in a spot. I learned this lesson very well. Almost to a fault.

You taught me how to support those I love. Through ups and downs good and bad, you have always remained supportive of me. I’m sure at times it was hard to be supportive of my choices. And for that I am sorry.

You taught me to always look for the positive. No matter what the situation was or is you always made me think a bout the good in it and that everything happens for a reason.

You showed me how important it is to spend time with your friends. Not only did you seem genuinely interested in their life but you always, made an effort to spend time with them. You and Delores have devoted time to each other and I am positive that both of your lives and your kids’ lives are better for it.

You always taught me to give more than I get. You are extremely generous with your time and skills. You are always wiling to help out her friends in times of need. Even though you don’t always get the same thing in return you are always wiping to give and give and give. One of the things I love about you most!

You taught me to not overreact. I have a tendency to overreact, but you are not that way. You usually have a very calm demeanor and, when presented with a situation that could result in panic, you always take a stip back and remind everyone to calm down.

You taught me to enjoy your moments. It can be really hard to enjoy the moment, especially if a moment is mundane but you always manage to make the most of the moments, Even if your doing something that’s not so fun, you find a way to make it enjoyable. This was a lesson that was easy for me to learn and repeat throughout my life.

You always remind me to remember what’s important. You have always had a lot going on in your life (who doesn’t), but you always manage to prioritize what’s important to you. Your friends and family really matter to you and you make time for them and put them first.

You always showed me how to notice the little things. In general, moms are good at this. But you always noticed when something wasn’t quite right, and you always tried to make it better. You are great at paying attention and noticing life’s details.

You have always tried to make the most of your mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes in life, but you have taught me to make the most of them. I can remember when I used to sew barbie cloths with you, and I sewed the buttons on the wrong side of the shirt. Instead making me do it over, you said “well I guess she will just have pretty buttons on her shirt for decorations.” Brilliant! I was so excited that you didn’t tell me “you did it wrong”.

You taught me to know who I was (and what I wanted to be). You have always been supportive of anything I have wanted to do, You have always encouraged me to think about wh o I am and who I wanted to be in the future. You have always inspired me to work on becoming the best me I can possibly be.

You never allowed me to give up. One of the greatest things about you is your persistence. If you ever wanted to get something done, you always found a way — no matter what. You always used to say, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.” I wouldn’t believe this if you hadn’t shown me this concept over and over again. “Do everything with enthusiasm” You used to say. Being positive has always been very hard for me. But you never fail to greet each day with an enthusiastic attitude. No matter what’s going on in your life, you do your best to accomplish everything you set out to do each and every day.

You taught me how to stay true to myself and what I believe. You have always known what you believed in and you stay true to this beliefs. “It’s important to recognize what’s important to you” you told me once. You have always managed to stay loyal to those things that matter most. Family being the most important thing. At times in my life I have forgotten this.

You taught me to make sure to always give myself choices. Looking for options is definitely one of your strengths. Whenever I find myself in a tough spot, I know I can call you and you will always be able to figure out another alternative. You have always been able to look at life and see choices where I saw obstacles.

You always told me to trust my intuition. You always knew when something is up. You always knew when something happened whether it be good or bad. And most importantly, you listen to these instincts. Even if I didn’t listen to my intuition, you made me see just how important it is.

You told me to always speak my mind. I have always known that if you had an opinion about something, you were sure to give it. I love your ability to say what’s on your ind and I find it inspiration to watch you speak up for what you believe in. I may or may not have learned this one to a fault!

You taught me how to love your children fiercely and to protect them at all cost. You give a new meaning to the phrase “Mama Bear” because you will stop at nothing to protect your cubs. This one I think I covered pretty well.

Accept what you cannot change. Neither one of us have ever been very fond of the serenity prayer. But I never like things that happen that I cannot change. Good, bad, or indifferent. One of the reasons I think you are so great at adapting to change is because y9ou are good at recognizing when a situation cannot be changed, and you accept that. You will always do your best to accomplish what you want, but you also know how to accept when shtik can’t be. I am not good at that. Keep teaching me mom, I promise one day I will learn.

You always strive to make life fun. When I was a kid, my friends always wanted to come to my house and hang out with my mom. Why? Because she’s so much fun! Even the most mundane things seem fun when y9ou are around because you always found a way to make them enjoyable, which is a really great way to live. I am pretty sure I passed this one around to Briana and Kelsey.

Don’t be afraid to be silly. This could be single handedly the most important lesson you taught me. You are and have always been a silly lady, and you are not afraid of your silliness. There are so many aspects of life that require the utmost seriousness, so why not take some time to be silly every now and then? You are always known how to embrace your silly side — and helped my embrace mine too! From scolding Chrissy, Sissy, and Missy in K’mart, to throwing hot dogs over the grocery aisle, there is never a dull moment around you. I love you so much for your silliness. My girls don’t understand this gene very well.

Work hard for what you want. Nothing good comes without a lot of hard work, and no one nows this better than you. If you really wanted something, you go after it., You make it happen. You are so inspiring in this way because you have taught me to really go after what I want in life. You grew up in a world that I will never know. You strived to give us kids more than what we wanted. You made sure we didn’t know the life you grew up with, and I am pretty sure as children we never wanted for anything, no matter what you had to sacrifice to get it. You instilled the best work ethic in me, and it is from you the I learned to work hard and give everything I do 1000%.

This one took me a minute or two to learn. Know when to say “no”. As we all know life is filled with choices. To go or stay? To do or not do? While you are usually up for anything, you always knew when to say enough is enough. It can be hard to say no sometimes, but you have taught me that sometimes no is the only way to go.

Create memories and traditions. Because of you, I’m a huge holiday person. I love to get into the act of making memories and creating traditions — and I owe that part of me completely to you. When we were kids, so many things we did were traditional, and I think it made me want to create those same memories with my children. I remember one time we went camping and dad wanted us kids to go to bed early so the adults could sit around the fire and you said, “but they haven[‘t made s’mores yet and we always do that the first night of camping.” I loved that you never let dad ruin our fun with you.

Pick your battles. I love that you always knew which battles were worth fighting and which were worth letting go. I’m still learning this myself, but I’m lucky to have a role model to look up to so that I know that not everything is wroth a battle.

One of the most important things about doing for others that I learned from you was to go the extra mile. Going the extra mile is something you are sort of an expert at. You definitely know how to go above and beyond in almost every situation. It’s inspiring to see someone who really does the best she can when it comes to other people, even when it can be so tempting to just do the bare minumium. You never shortchanged yourself in this blessing. And the is what its is… A blessing to be a blessing to others.

Choose your friends wisely. This seems like simple advice, but it’s actually very important. Who you surround yourself with says a lot about you, and I’ve learned from you that it’s so important to choose friends carefully. Because of your choosiness, you have had 4 friends in your life and I think you couldn’t have had if you hadn’t been so choosy. Delores, Clydene, Nancy, and Lois, and you have been through so much in your lives, and I am so glad you always had each other to learn on. I have longed for a friend like that for so long, but to no avail, have not found one. I think it has been because I have not been choosy and I have poured everything into every relationship with a friend that I have had, just as you taught me, but they never wanted to do the same. Just wanted to be my friend for what was in it for them. I found that kind of friendship in Betty. I am sad that I don’t have her in my life anymore. But she was a good friend and I loved her with everything I had. I am thankful for that.

You have taught me when it’s time to let go. It can be really hard to let go. I remember sitting in the parking lot at Walmart before I left Jimmie. You said to me “Why do you stay?” I said, ” because I love him.” You look ed at me and said, “I don’t believe you.” Of course, you were right, and I spent the next year figuring out hot to leave for good. I’ve seen you let go of even the hardest things with grace. I’ve seen you say goodbye to your grandchild; I[‘ve seen you buy not one but two husbands; I’ve seen you get old with dignity and grace. Letting go is very hard, but you provided a great example of someone who knows when it’s time to let go

You taught me how to forgive. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, and I have caused you a lot of hurt. You ahve always forgiven me. In fact, you are always the first to forgive me. I’ve seen you forgive others too, and it’s truly amazing to watch that. It was an amazing day when all four of us kids came together to celebrate your 80th birthday. There was forgiveness that day. And it felt wonderful. Forgiving can be a very hard thing, but you certainly taught me its value.

Mother, you are a pretty amazing woman. You have inspired me in so many ways and you still at the age of 83, teaching me new things. I will always be thankful for all you have taught me. Not many people are lucky enough to have a mom as great as you. I hope that you have had a great life and I hope that I have blessed you as much as you have blessed me. I strive every day to be a mother like you. To be as full of love for my children, to be as full of life as you are still, and to only mimic the wonderful things you have taught me over a lifetime of lessons. I hope we have many more years together so I can learn more from you. I hope one day you can feel like you can make the decision to come here and live. I want to spend the rest of your life with you. I want to be there for you like you have been for me. I want to be there when you take your last breath and immediately go to be with your God. I can’t imagine the reunion between you and Micah and Walter and all the others that have gone on before you. No I don’t think you are going to die soon I just want to spend as much time with yours I can.

I love you. More. Everyday.

Four days after I wrote this my mother went to be with the Lord. She never got a chance to spend the end of her life here in Idaho with me like we had planned. I have buried my daughter, my father, many friends, and now my mother. I can say with all honestly, her death has had the greatest impact on me. I always thought what life would be like without here here to guide me, to teach me, but I never thought she would die. I miss her more than words can say. I would not take her back from where she is right now if God himself offered her to me. She is free from pain, free from all the heartache this world has to offer at the moment. But most of all she is in the presence of the Lord daily, hourly, every minute of every day. Worshiping. Loving. Singing. Praising her Jesus, All the day long.